Shipulski On Design

Archive for the ‘Feelings’ Category

When “it’s impossible” it means it “cannot be done.”  But maybe “impossible” means “We don’t yet know how to do it.” Or “We don’t yet know if others have done it before.”

What does it take to transition from impossible to newly possible? What must change to move from the impossible to the newly possible?

Context-Specific Impossibility. When something works in one industry or application but doesn’t work in another, it’s impossible in that new context.  But usually, almost all the elements of the system are possible and there are one or two elements that don’t work due to the new context.  There’s an entire system that’s blocked from possibility due to the interaction between one or two system elements and an environmental element of the new context.  The path to the newly possible is found in those tightly-defined interactions.   Ask yourself these questions: Which system elements don’t work and what about the environment is preventing the migration to the newly possible?  And let the intersection focus your work.

History-Specific Impossibility.  When something didn’t work when you tried it a decade ago, it was impossible back then based on the constraints of the day.  And until those old constraints are revisited, it is still considered impossible today.  Even though there has been a lot of progress over the last decades, if we don’t revisit those constraints we hold onto that old declaration of impossibility.  The newly possible can be realized if we search for new developments that break the old constraints. Ask yourself: Why didn’t it work a decade ago? What are the new developments that could overcome those problems?  Focus your work on that overlap between the old problems and the new developments.

Emotionally-Specific Impossibility. When you believe something is impossible, it’s impossible.  When you believe it’s impossible, you don’t look for solutions that might birth the newly possible.  Here’s a rule: If you don’t look for solutions, you won’t find them. Ask yourself: What are the emotions that block me from believing it could be newly possible? What would I have to believe to pursue the newly possible?  I think the answer is fear, but not the fear of failure.  I think the fear of success is a far likelier suspect. Feel and acknowledge the emotions that block the right work and do the right work.  Feel the fear and do the work.

The newly possible is closer than you think. The constraints that block the newly possible are highly localized and highly context-specific. The history that blocks the newly possible is no longer applicable, and it’s time to unlearn it.  Discover the recent developments that will break the old constraints.  And the emotions that block the newly possible are just that – emotions.  Yes, it feels like the fear will kill you, but it only feels like that.  Bring your emotions with you as you do the right work and generate the newly possible.

image credit – gfpeck

When you want to figure out what’s next, show customers what’s possible.  This is much different than asking them what they want.  So, don’t do that.  Instead, show them a physical prototype or a one-page sales tool that explains the value they would realize.

When they see what’s possible, the world changes for them.  They see their work from a new perspective. They see how the unchangeable can change.  They see some impossibilities as likely.  They see old constraints as new design space.  They see the implications of what’s possible from their unique context.  And they’re the only ones that can see it.  And that’s one of the main points of showing them what’s possible – for YOU to see the implications of what’s possible from their perspective.  And the second point is to hear from them what you should have shown them, how you missed the mark, and what you should show them next time.

When you show customers what’s possible, that’s not where things end.  It’s where things start.

When you show customers what’s possible, it’s an invitation for them to tell you what it means to them.  And it’s also an invitation for you to listen.  But listening can be challenging because your context is different than theirs.  And because they tell you what they think from their perspective, they cannot be wrong.  They might be the wrong customer, or you might have a wrong understanding of their response, but how they see it cannot be wrong.  And this can be difficult for the team to embrace.

What you do after learning from the customer is up to you.  But there’s one truism – what you do next will be different because of their feedback.  I am not saying you should do what they say or build what they ask for.  But I think you’ll be money ahead if your path forward is informed by what you learn from the customers.

Image credit —  Alexander Henning Drachmann

You can’t see if you don’t look.

You can’t look if you’re distracted.

You can’t be distracted if you’re living in the present moment.

You can’t live in the present moment if you’re sad about the past or afraid of the future.

You can’t be sad about the past unless you want it to be different.

You can’t be afraid of the future unless you want to control it.

You can’t want the past to be different if you accept things as they are.

You can’t want to control the future if you accept you have no control over it.

Yet, we want the past to be different and we want to control the future.

When you find yourself wanting the past to be different or wanting to control the future, focus on your breath for a minute or two.  That will bring you back to the present moment.

And if that doesn’t work, go outside and walk in nature for fifteen minutes then quiet yourself and focus on your breath for a minute or two.  That should bring you back to the present moment.

Everything gets better when you’re sitting in the present moment.

When you notice someone having a difficult time, take the time to check in with them.  An in-person “Are you okay?” is probably the best way, but a phone call, text, or video chat will also do nicely.

When you’re having a difficult time, when someone notices and checks in you feel a little better.

When someone reacts in an outsized way, use that as a signal to check in with them.  Your check-in can help them realize their reaction was outsized, as they may not know.  It’s likely a deeper conversation will emerge naturally.  This is not a time to chastise or judge, rather it’s a time to show them you care.  An in-person “You got a minute?” followed by a kind “Are you doing okay?” work well in this situation.  But a phone call or text message can also be effective.  The most important thing, though, is you make the time to check in.

When you check in, you make a difference in people’s lives.  And they remember.

Is a simple check-in really that powerful?  Yes. Does it really make a difference?  Yes. But don’t take my word for it.  Run the experiment for yourself.  Here’s the experimental protocol.

1. Pay attention.
2. Look for people who are having a difficult time or people whose behavior is different than usual.
3. When you notice the behavior of (2), make a note to yourself and give yourself the action item to check in.
4. As soon as you can, check in with them. Do it in person, if possible.  If you cannot, call them on the phone or send them a text.  Email is too impersonal. Don’t use it.
   1. To initiate the check-in, use the “You got a minute?” and “Are you doing okay?” language. Keep it simple.
   2. After using the language of (4.1), listen to them. No need to fix anything.  Just listen.  They don’t want to be fixed; they want to be heard.
5. Enjoy the good feeling that comes from checking in.
6. Repeat 1-5, as needed.

After running the experiment, I think you’ll learn that checking in is powerful and helps both parties feel better.  And the more you run the experiment (demonstrate the behavior), the more likely it will spread.

And, just maybe, at some point down the road, someone may reach out to you and ask “You got a minute?” and “Are you doing okay?”.

Image credit — Funk Dooby

If you always want to be right, it’s time to ask new questions.

If you want to listen well, don’t talk.

If you want to start something new, stop something old.

If you want to do it again for the third time. give someone else a chance.

If you want it to be perfect, you don’t want to finish.

If you want to do something new, be unsure about what to do next.

If you want to hold tightly to things as they are, all you get are rope burns.

If you want to teach, find a student.

If you want someone’s trust, earn it.

If you want all the credit, you’re fast becoming a team of one.

If you want the Universe to change, don’t.

If you want to earn trust, tell the truth.

If you want good friends, be one.

Image credit — Sowhuan

Just before it’s possible, it’s impossible.

An instant before you know how to do it, you don’t.

After searching for the answer for a year, you may find it in the next instant.

If you stop searching, that’s the only way to guarantee you won’t find it.

When people say it won’t work, their opinion is valid only if nothing has changed since the last time, including the people and their approach.

If you know it won’t work, change the approach, the specification, or the scope.

If you think it won’t work, that’s another way of saying “it might work “.

If you think it might work, that’s another way of saying “it might not work”.

When there’s a difference of opinion, that’s objective evidence the work is new.

If everyone sees it the same way, you’re not trying hard enough.

When you can’t predict the project’s completion date, that’s objective evidence that the work is new.

If you know when the project will be done, the novelty has been wrestled out of the project or there was none at the start.

When you don’t start with the most challenging element of the project, you cause your company to spend a lot of money on a potentially nonviable project.

Until the novel elements of a project are demonstrated, there is no real progress.

“Jumping Backwards – Cape Verde, Sal Rei” by Espen Faugstad is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Health matters. What did you do this year to take care of your physical health? What did you do this year to take care of your mental health? Next year what can you stop doing to make it easier to take care of your physical and mental health? Without your health, what do you have?

Family matters. What did you do this year to connect more deeply with your family? And how do you feel about that?  Next year what can you change to make it easier to deepen your relationships with a couple of family members?  If you’re going to forgive anyone next year, why not forgive a family member? Without family, what do you have?

Friends matter. What did you do this year to reconnect with old friends? What did you do this year to help turn a good friendship into a great one? What did you do this year to make new friends? Next year what will make it easier to reestablish old friendships, deepen the good ones, and create new ones?  Without friends, what do you have?

Fun matters. What did you do this year to have fun for fun’s sake? Why is it so difficult to have fun? Next year what can you change to make it easier for you to have more fun?  Without fun, what do you have?

“Friendship” by *~Dawn~* is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Do you believe in yourself?

Belief in yourself manifests in your actions.  What do your actions say about your belief in yourself?

Belief in yourself doesn’t mean everything will work out perfectly.  It means that you’ll be okay regardless of how things turn out.

When you see someone that doesn’t believe in themselves, how do you feel? And what do you do?

And when that someone is you, how do you feel? And what do you do?

When someone believes in you more than you do, do you believe them?

You reach a critical threshold when your belief in yourself can withstand others’ judgment of you.

When you believe in yourself, you don’t define yourself by what others think of you.

When you love yourself more, you believe in yourself more.

If you had a stronger belief in yourself, what would you do differently?

Try this.  Make a list of three things you’d do differently if you had a stronger belief in yourself.  Then, find one of those special people that believe in you and show them your list.  And whatever they say about your list, believe them.

Image credit — ajari

When things are overwhelming to you but not to others, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed for a while.

When the seas are rough, you may think you are alone, but others may see it differently.

What’s worthy of your attention is defined by you, though some make it easy for you to think otherwise.

When you disagree with someone’s idea, that says nothing about them.

Judging someone from the outside is unfair, and it’s the same with judging yourself from the inside.

When everyone around you sees you differently than you see yourself, it’s worth looking critically at what you see that they don’t and what they see that you don’t.

You aren’t your thoughts and feelings, but it can feel like it in the heat of the moment.

Self-judgment is the strongest flavor of judgment.

“Object from the exhibition We call them Vikings produced by The Swedish History Museum” by The Swedish History Museum, Stockholm is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

When you were wrong, the outcome was different than you thought.

When the outcome was different than you thought, there was uncertainty as the work was new.

When there was uncertainty, you knew there would be learning.

When you were afraid of learning, you were afraid to be wrong.

And when you were afraid to be wrong, you were really afraid about what people would think of you.

Would you rather wall off uncertainty to prevent yourself from being wrong or would you rather try something new?

If there’s a difference between what others think of you and what you think of yourself, whose opinion matters more?

Why does it matter what people think of you?

Why do you let their mattering block you from trying new things?

In the end, hold onto the fact that you matter, especially when you have the courage to be wrong.

“Oh no, what went wrong?” by Bennilover is marked with CC BY-ND 2.0.

When times are stressful, it’s more difficult to be effective and skillful in our interactions with others.  Here are some thoughts that could help.

Decide how you want to respond, and then respond accordingly.

Before you respond, take a breath. Your response will be better.

If you find yourself responding before giving yourself permission, stop your response and come clean.

Better responses from you make for even better responses from others.

If you interrupt someone in the middle of their sentence so you can make your point, you made a different point.

If you find yourself preparing your response while listening to someone, that’s not listening.

If you recognize you’re not listening, now there are at least two people who know the truth.

When there are no words coming from your mouth, that doesn’t constitute listening.

The strongest deterrent to listening is talking.

If you disagree with one element of a person’s position, you can, at the same time, agree with other elements of their position.  That’s how agreement works.

If you start with agreement, even the smallest bit, disagreement softens.

Before you can disagree, it’s important to listen and understand. And it’s the same with agreement.

It’s easy to agree if that’s what you want to accomplish.  And it’s the same for disagreement.

If you want to move toward agreement, start with understanding.

If you want to demonstrate understanding, start with listening.

If you want to demonstrate good listening, start with kindness.

Here are three mantras I find helpful:

Talk less to listen more.

Before you respond, take a breath.

Kindness before agreement.

“Rock-em” by REL Waldman is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0